Sunday, April 5, 2015
I Want To Live Not Just Survive
I have always been afraid to express any kind of emotion. I detach myself from people because I might eventually lose them and I don't want to feel the pain that comes with it. I don't necessarily want to be this way but since I've just survived like this for so long it's not an easy change to make.
Almost a year ago my grandmother passed away. It was really hard on my family. When I first heard the news it took me a little by surprise but I couldn't even cry. It's not that I wasn't sad I just always feel like I have to resist the urge to cry because I don't want to look weak. It was so hard for me watching how devastated my grandfather was. He gave his entire life to her and just like that she was gone. There is no way to really prepare for that and I'm sure he knew it would happen one day but he never let the fear of losing her keep him from loving her with all he had. What I saw that day was a brave, strong man that wasn't afraid to love no matter how much pain it caused him. I hope I'm lucky enough to find that someday. It showed me how much I am missing out on by being afraid to love. I can go through my entire life with walls up, never truly loving someone, and running from those who care about me but what will I gain from that? Sure I will experience less pain but I will also end up missing so many opportunities to touch other peoples lives and let people do the same to me. The joy that you get from loving and caring for someone without fearing the consequences must be worth feeling a little hurt when you are let down. Feeling pain and walking away from it a stronger person has got to be better than feeling nothing. I want to live my life to its full potential. I'm tired of holding back because of my stupid fears. I'm not as strong as I pretend to be. I'm emotional and sensitive and that's ok. Allowing yourself to feel and learn is not a weakness it's a strength. Admitting that you want to be loved doesn't make you needy it makes you human. I want to be able to let my guard down, I want to learn to trust other people, and want to stop trying to keep up the image of how independent and tough I am. The truth is I need other people and I can't keep my emotions to myself anymore.
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;'( my mascara is stinging my eyes! Fear holds me back too, this is the exact thing I have been feeling lately. I realize that when I'm afraid of people(namely, those I work with that I don't have a relationship with yet) when I'm afraid of looking bad and making mistakes in front of them, it causes me to be a blundering fool. I interrupt them because I'm nervous, sometimes I look like a complete jerk simply because I'm afraid for myself. It comes down to selfishness for me. Fear holds me back from taking care of those I live and work with. My life's goal is to overcome fear. I feel like it's as simple as a change in priorities. I compare it to being afraid to wipe food off a table into your hand to throw it away or changing a baby's diaper. It's gross and I didn't want to do it, but as I grew older, a clean table or baby, became more important to me than avoiding touching the dirt. So I need for others well being to become more important to me than I am to myself. That's what I've learned but have by no means mastered.
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