Warning! Super Sappy Lovey Dovey Post About My Best Friend

You always hear stuff like "You have to love yourself before anyone else can" and I don't believe that's true. Self love is definitely very important and I agree you shouldn't chase love to make up for the lack of love you have for yourself. but the idea that you are not worthy to be loved until you learn how to love yourself I think is completely false. Everyone deserves to be loved. I think sometimes we need other people that love us to teach us how to love ourselves. Watching someone love you when your not very lovable can be exactly what you need. Susie was my person. When I couldn't find a reason to love myself she told me the reasons she loved me.

Its funny how when you love someone. You start to love the things they love. I hate cats but if she liked cats I could learn to appreciate them. and I guess that's how I learned to appreciate me. I never understood why she didn't just give up on me because I can be very difficult. She is the most patient and selfless person I know and I don't think she will every fully understand how the little things she did made such a huge difference. Our goofy little love notes, spontaneous adventures, long talks, long sitting in silences that were sometimes needed and of course all the laughter. Every time I distanced myself and tried to push her out she somehow made her way back in. Even When I refused to talk about the things that were bothering me having her sitting beside me was all the comfort I needed.

We all go through hard times and if your lucky enough to have a friend that will love you through them despite all your imperfections you have friend that's worth the world! I am so grateful for mine..

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Small Talk

For Someone who hates small talk I sure do make a lot of small talk! It's not always easy to start a conversation about things that are actually important in life so I end up having the same conversations over and over again. I love hanging out with people that I can have real talk with. I don't want to know "whats up?" I want to know about you, the things that make you unique, your flaws, your fears, your funny little quirks. I want to stay up and listen to your raw uncensored thoughts about the things you love, the things you hate or the things you don't quite understand. Tell me about your childhood. I want to hear about your most embarrassing moments, the happy memories you have and the pain that shaped you into the person you are today. I don't want to talk about the weather or listen to the same old complaints about work or school. I would much rather hear what you're learning, your goals, your struggles and what helps you get through them. Those are the things I'm interested in.

I do think there is a place for small talk and I don't think every conversation has to be this deep emotional vomit but it seems we get so use to small talk we don't even know how to have real talk anymore. I just crave a deeper connection with people then "whats up?"

I Want To Live Not Just Survive

I have always been afraid to express any kind of emotion. I detach myself from people because I might eventually lose them and I don't want to feel the pain that comes with it. I don't necessarily want to be this way but since I've just survived like this for so long it's not an easy change to make. Almost a year ago my grandmother passed away. It was really hard on my family. When I first heard the news it took me a little by surprise but I couldn't even cry. It's not that I wasn't sad I just always feel like I have to resist the urge to cry because I don't want to look weak. It was so hard for me watching how devastated my grandfather was. He gave his entire life to her and just like that she was gone. There is no way to really prepare for that and I'm sure he knew it would happen one day but he never let the fear of losing her keep him from loving her with all he had. What I saw that day was a brave, strong man that wasn't afraid to love no matter how much pain it caused him. I hope I'm lucky enough to find that someday. It showed me how much I am missing out on by being afraid to love. I can go through my entire life with walls up, never truly loving someone, and running from those who care about me but what will I gain from that? Sure I will experience less pain but I will also end up missing so many opportunities to touch other peoples lives and let people do the same to me. The joy that you get from loving and caring for someone without fearing the consequences must be worth feeling a little hurt when you are let down. Feeling pain and walking away from it a stronger person has got to be better than feeling nothing. I want to live my life to its full potential. I'm tired of holding back because of my stupid fears. I'm not as strong as I pretend to be. I'm emotional and sensitive and that's ok. Allowing yourself to feel and learn is not a weakness it's a strength. Admitting that you want to be loved doesn't make you needy it makes you human. I want to be able to let my guard down, I want to learn to trust other people, and want to stop trying to keep up the image of how independent and tough I am. The truth is I need other people and I can't keep my emotions to myself anymore.